“AITA for leaving the family group chat with a ‘petty’ message after my dad added our secret brother?
My parents have been divorced for longer than I can remember and my dad and I have never had a great relationship. We are nice to each other, call for birthdays and such, but not a real father daughter relationship.
My dad lives in Kentucky and my sister and I live in Texas. About a year ago, I called him and told him I wanted us to be closer. His solution was a group chat with me, him, and my sister where we would play daily games (like Wordle/Connections) and post the results.
After a few months, I told him that while the games were fun, they weren’t actually “a relationship.” He dismissed me and said he thought the game chat was “good enough.” I was hurt, but I gave up and accepted that Wordle scores were all I was ever going to get from him.
Two months before my wedding, my dad dropped a bombshell: he FaceTimed my sister and me to tell us we have an older brother, “Brandon,” that he had kept secret our entire lives. I got married, things were civil, and I tried to process having a new sibling. A few months ago, without any warning or heads-up, my dad added Brandon and Brandon’s wife to our small game group chat. Suddenly, the chat I started to get closer to my dad became the “Dad and Brandon Show.” They talk constantly, while my sister and I are basically just spectators in a chat I originally created for us. I called my dad to tell him I felt pushed out and that he still wasn’t making an effort with me. He gave me a “guilt trip” speech about how the chat is the “brightest part of his day” and he just wants all his kids to be together. I’m done. I feel like my request for a relationship was ignored, then hijacked. I am known as the “dramatic” one in the family, so I decided to lean into it. I sent a message to the group saying: “I’m bowing out. I realized this has become the ‘Dad and Brandon Catch-up Hour,’ and I love that for you guys! But since I’m still waiting on the relationship I actually asked for months ago, watching from the sidelines isn’t for me. Brandon, so glad you’re here! Dad, I’ll leave you to your ‘brightest part of the day’—I’m sure you won’t even notice I’m gone. 😉” Then I immediately left the group. My sister (who I warned beforehand) thinks it was iconic, but my dad is now calling me “dramatic” and saying I’m being unwelcoming to my new brother. AITA for leaving the chat this way?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
So, here’s what went down after I hit send on that message:
The immediate aftermath was silence from my dad. Crickets. Still haven’t heard a single word from him, which is making me a little nervous, honestly.
BUT, the best part of this whole mess? Brandon and his wife both reached out to me privately, apologizing for “intruding” on our group chat. I immediately shut that down and let them know it was 100% my dad’s doing, not theirs.
I also owned my “dramatic one” reputation, telling them that sometimes “stupid stuff like this” is the only way my dad hears me. I told them I’d love to have a relationship with them, and Brandon just said, “There’s no time like the present.”
We had a really great 45-minute FaceTime call, just the two of us siblings getting to know each other. It turns out my dad is a master of manipulation and storytelling on both ends:
To me, my dad made it seem like he and Brandon were besties who loved their morning chats. To Brandon, my dad made it seem like my sister and I had this amazing, great relationship with him.
The reality? Brandon is super hurt by my dad (he didn’t even know about him until he was 18) and only feels obligated to have a relationship for his own kids’ sake. We both got pretty emotional about it all.
The overall consensus between us is that we’re all just kind of over my dad’s nonsense. So, while I’m still waiting on a response from my father, I gained a great new brother and perspective. Thanks again for all the advice, everyone! I’ll update again if the old man ever decides to speak to me.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
writingwonderland87
NTA.
I’d start calling him by his first name but I’m feeling extra petty today.
mdaisy1245
Agreed, no matter how little fathers care about their daughters it seems to really hit a nerve when you use their first names. The last few years I was speaking to my father I used his first name. That was the only time I ever got any emotion other than indifference from him lol. OP you’re NTA, do what you have to do so this doesn’t eat at you. 💜
tiredg0th
NTA it’s ridiculous and cruel for him to parade the closeness you wanted with him, in front of you, with someone else. And to a secret sibling no less! It’s time to match your sperm donor’s energy.
Last-Meaning-6406
So basically he WAS able to be a dad, just not to you. NTA, you asked multiple times for more of a relationship and he settled for wordle while chatting it up with the kid he kept secret from you. Does he not have his own chat with his son?
mca2021
NTA, at least you have 2 siblings who agree with you regarding your dad. I’m glad you and Brandon hit it off. Perhaps start a new chat with just the 2 of them. Remember, blood makes relatives, actions make a family, so surround yourself with those that love and nurture you.
HotMessExpressX-
Honestly? That exit wasn’t petty, it was a boundary with punctuation. He keeps offering optics instead of effort, and you finally stopped playing along , the real win is that you gained a brother without tolerating your dad’s emotional drive-bys.
2 days later OP added a second update:
UPDATE 2: This one may not be as easy to read. 😂
Thanks again for all the support and for letting me know I wasn’t the a&^%ole. As promised, here is the an update on the situation with my dad.
My last update ended with me still waiting to hear from my dad. Well, he reached out the next day (yesterday) with a text that said, “let me know when you’re up”.
I responded, letting him know I was up, but also that I didn’t want to discuss what happened in the group chat, just that I wanted to be done with it.
I told him I just wanted him to call me every once in a while and make me feel like he actually cares, rather than just using the convenient group chat for generic check-ins. The chat, I explained, just became a daily reminder of the relationship I don’t have with him, and I felt weird being in a group with people I don’t know.
I reminded him that I had asked him over and over for a real relationship, and that it shouldn’t be that hard. I was done getting my feelings hurt.
The overall consensus? I didn’t get the apology or the change I was hoping for. He basically doubled down on the group chat being “the highlight of his day” and how he gets to “check on everybody” that way. He never acknowledged my feelings, just said that the phone works both ways and he would be happy to take a call from me if I needed something.
He said that my siblings and I are busy and he didn’t want to be in the way. He also suggested “we all” meet in the city I live in, as if Brandon and his family can just pick up and travel with small children easily.
I just said no thank you. And he tried to call but I didn’t answer. That was yesterday. We are a little snowed in here in Texas, and my dad sent me a photo of his hot chocolate today and said he was thinking of me, (I was obsessed with hot chocolate when I was a kid) which I thought was nice, and I did answer but I can’t help but feel like he’s just trying to save face now.
I’m just keeping my expectations low.
Thanks everyone for reading and giving advice. I really appreciate you, more than you know.
Here’s what people had to say after the update:
Lemmy-Historian
She has to let the idea of her father go. It is very sad to read this.
Damp_Blanket
Knowing how quickly my children can guess a 5 letter word is the highlight of my day. It’s almost like I’m in the room with them talking in short worded, nonsense sentences.
I’ll cherish these times
psaiymia
NTA lmfaoooo my brother has been nc with our dad for most of my life.
The summer I went nc with my dad, within weeks my way older half sister called me to ask wtf is his (our dads) problem, his attitude, etc. we also had a very enlightening heart to heart where she learned how shitty and manipulative emotionally our father has been to me, and that he turned that racket onto her when I was no longer available to be a punching bag.
We’re all now nc with him, including most of his siblings, nieces/nephews, and his mom (our gramma). Happy to see another daughter calling a crapper on his s^&%! Good on you Op!!
OP responded:
Thanks girl 🩷 I really appreciate you.
So, what do you think of this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?
