“For those who have had an affair, why did you decide to cheat instead of leave your partner?”

“For those who have had an affair, why did you decide to cheat instead of leave your partner?”

According to “the internet” here are stats about cheating:

• In Marriages: Approximately 20% of men and 13% of women admit to physical infidelity.
• In Unmarried Relationships: The rate is significantly higher, with some estimates reaching 40%.
• The “Ever-Cheated” Stat: When including emotional affairs (intense non-physical bonds) and “digital” infidelity, nearly one-third of all adults report having cheated at some point in their lives.
• The Gender Shift: While men have historically cheated more, the gap is closing. In the 18–29 age group, women actually report slightly higher rates of infidelity than men.

The Top “Excuses”:
Therapists often distinguish between the reason (the internal why) and the excuse (what they tell their partner or themselves).

The Excuse/The Likely Subtext

• “I was drunk/It didn’t mean anything.”
• “I wanted to lower my inhibitions so I could act on an impulse without feeling the weight of the consequences.”

• “You haven’t been giving me enough attention.”
• This is a deflection. It shifts the blame for the betrayal onto the victim’s perceived “neglect.”

• “We’re just friends/It was only emotional.”
• “I’m justifying the betrayal because there was no physical contact,” despite emotional affairs often being harder to recover from.

• “It’s just a biological/evolutionary urge.”
• A pseudoscientific way to avoid taking personal responsibility for a lack of self-control.

• “I did it because you cheated on me (or I thought you were).”
• “Revenge cheating” is used as a way to “even the score” and regain a sense of power.

• “I was just bored/I needed a spark.”
• Instead of fixing the relationship or leaving, the person sought a “novelty high” to escape daily routine.

Here’s what people had to say:

1. Opposite_Ad_95

Because I was a s^%$ty person and immature. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and I was settling for someone I wasn’t fully attracted to physically or mentally.

This is me being as honest as possible. I don’t have an excuse, I was an awful partner.

UnicornKitt3n

Ten years ago I had an affair with a friend’s husband. It didn’t last long at least, but I couldn’t live being that kind of dishonest of a person. I told her. I faces the hurt I caused. I was a mess of a person back then, mentally and emotionally, but that doesn’t excuse it. I knew it was wrong. I knew I shouldn’t have done it.

It’s important for us to take accountability with no excuses.

ApplicationFull3440

I wish my current wife (divorcing her now) would have that level of self awareness. She cheated on me with someone at her work and kept telling me for two months how she needs her space (because her therapist told her) and left every weekend. Then I learned she spent every weekend with her new boyfriend.

All while I was genuinely caring for her wellbeing and helping her move to a new place. It was a shock for me because I thought our relationship was very happy. I think your description well describes her too. Immature, but also extra selfish, and using me in the end I guess. Will take me time to overcome. And hopefully I get a true partner one day.

2. Artistic_Ear4458

I didn’t cheat because I wanted someone else. I cheated because I didn’t have the courage to admit I was already unhappy. Leaving would’ve meant hurting someone openly and facing the consequences. Cheating was selfish, immature, and easier in the moment. I regret how I handled it , not because I got caught, but because I avoided an honest conversation I should’ve had long before.

jk41nk

I hope for anyone who thinks like this, hurting someone openly and honestly vs, hurting them in a hidden and dishonest way is way better. The consequence is hurt feelings and moving on. Cheating adds a whole other layer of suffering, distrust and betrayal that can affect them for years later. Breaking up is the kinder thing to do.

3: Consistent-Yam-368

My ex wife cheated. We co-parent pretty well now ten years later. But how it’s been described to me: She knew she didn’t want to be married anymore, didn’t want to deal with the embarrassment of telling me and our family she wanted to end it. I don’t know what her game plan was/how long she would have kept it up if she didn’t get caught, but overall I’d say she felt trapped and embarrassed.

The marriage wasn’t working and we’re both better off after a divorce, but I definitely wish she had told me and then moved on. Took me much longer to get over because of the cheating, and I still have trust issues. She’s married to the guy she cheated with, I’ve had a few relationships but typically end things before they can get too serious.

nyraGlowbug

What stands out here is how much embarrassment drives bad decisions. Ending a marriage feels like a public failure to some people, so they choose private damage instead.

4: SamTheShinigami

Because I could. I was selfish and wasn’t thinking about the other person. I was in a happy relationship and was very fulfilled se&^ally and otherwise. I was working as a doorman for a popular bar and was always approached by young attractive women. And at the time I had thought that no one would get hurt if nothing was found out.

I was selfish and immature. And I didn’t realise how much it would hurt myself to betray my own morals in such a way. Let alone the hurt I would cause the other person when they found out about my indiscretions.

I was also struggling with my self image and self love and self respect all of which led me to be constantly seeking more and more validation from attractive women instead of trying to find reasons to be proud of myself.

Biggest mistake of my life and I would never do it again.

5: Due-Cat8975

Lying is easier. Wasn’t sure how to leave or if I wanted to leave at first

6: vsthegiant

I had an emotional affair. My now ex was ab^%$ve (not justifying, just explaining) and I used it as an escape fantasy. The person I used as fantasy was kind to me and my daughter and that’s all it took. I finally left my ex when some friends gave my daughter and I a way out and a safe place to land and my emotional obsession ended pretty quickly after that.

7: StylisticArchaism

Hypomanic hypers^%uality.

It destroyed me because I never thought I was capable, but all of a sudden I was buying $3,000 laptops and sleeping with everything with legs, even putting my job at risk to do so.

It’s the kind of admission that will get you downvoted even in the bipolar community because people don’t like what it implies.

Funny enough I’ve been treated with medication and therapy for a decade and have had zero recurrences.

Because I never actually wanted to.

8: obduracies

he cheated first, he started emotionally a^*&ng me because of his affair, and i wanted him to hurt like i was hurt.

9: wildernessladybug

Because I was selfish, immature and had a bucket load of issues I hadn’t worked on. They might not have been my fault, but they are definitely my responsibility. I have not and would not ever cheat again. I’ve done over 7 years of therapy.

10: contrarian4000

Honestly, it had barely anything to do with my partner or the marriage . Sure, he had his moments, but overall he was a great husband, friend, and father. The problem wasn’t not loving him, it was not loving ME. Once I got a taste of the validation of being “adored” —“ you’re so beautiful, so smart, so s%$y, so amazing “ — I was hooked.

It was like an ad^%$tion I knew I needed to quit but just couldn’t quite get over. Could have been substances that ruined my marriage. I’m sober now, and honestly, will never go there again now that I know what kind of devastation it can cause.

11: Any-Body9098

Very expensive to end a marriage.

What do you think? Any other stories out there?