“WIBTA if I stopped buying my husband Christmas presents?”
This year will be our 9 year anniversary, so 8 Christmas’ together.The first year he got me hair curlers and a $20 Sephora gift card, he hid the gifts with the cleaning supplies and I found them the day after he got them and he knew I saw them, hid them elsewhere and never got me anything else..
that year I bought him a bunch of new clothes, a beautiful leather jacket, some art supplies (he loves painting/sketching) and other things. He’s never bought me a single gift since.I have since always been the only person on Christmas morning with nothing to open. We buy for our children, I buy for him, he’s never bought me anything else.
I have made suggestion, asked outright for certain items, and money has never been a problem. Still, Christmas morning every single year I don’t open anything, except for the items my kids make for me in school. And it isn’t just Christmas, it’s Mothers day and my Birthday too. He just never buys me anything. He always says he is going to and just doesn’t and it kinda sucks.
I already got him stuff for this year, and some items I know he will really love, but I am putting them under the tree and noticing once again my name isn’t anywhere to be found. I checked our Amazon history, no purchases aside from my own have been made, so it will be another year just watching them open presents, which I don’t mean to sound shallow but it really sucks!
Am I over reacting? Is this normal for husbands to just not buy their spouses gifts? So, WIBTA if going forward I just stop putting in the effort and buying him holiday/birthday presents?
EDIT: just to clarify, Over the years we have had multiple conversations about this. I have expressed many times how sad it makes me on Christmas morning not to receive anything, and he always seems remorseful says he knows and he is very sorry and that this year he is going to make sure he gets me something.
But then afterwards he says “I couldn’t think of anything” or “I meant to but I couldn’t find it.” I’ve just sort of gotten to the point where asking each holiday for something seems like a waste of energy.
He does do things for the through the year.. but mostly little things that make me happy/, make life easier. Like, if I don’t want to cook dinner one night he will, or he will order food. Also, he will help out around the house if I ask (for the most part, sometimes he forgets I asked or is just too tired to get around to it).
He works more than I do (his job is a little demanding) and makes makes twice what I make, so he also takes on more of the financial burden, and he gives me the freedom to make any purchases I want.Thanks again to everyone, this will be the last year I put in the effort I think and going forward Christmas gifts will only be purchased for my children
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Twallot said:
NTA. What the actual F? It would take him 10 seconds to order something on Amazon. He literally does not care. Over 9 years that’s hitting over 30 separate instances he actively chose to not get you anything for Christmas, bdays, valentine’s day, etc. And he obviously doesn’t help your kids get you gifts, either.
I cannot believe you have continued getting him gifts for almost a decade with him pulling that b@l$#h!t. This isn’t something he forgets. He has to go shopping at least once in a while. I bet he’s on his phone or computer every day. At this point, it’s more effort for him to NOT buy you anything.
This might seem like not a big deal to some people, but it’s actually a pretty big problem that he is actively ignoring doing something important, and totally socially expected btw so it’s not some weird request, and then he’s lying about it and making excuses year after year. So disrespectful and rude.
Obviouslyintroverted said:
NTA I don’t think it’s normal after nine years he’s never bought you a gift. Not for Christmas or your birthday ? Like damn, had it been one of those situations where you discussed that you wouldn’t by each other gifts and then you reneged on that, that’d be one thing. But from what I read that’s not the case and you’re purchasing thoughtful gifts for him every year with nothing in return, that’s messed up.
Especially considering you’ve said you’ve asked outright. Plus like he doesn’t get you anything on the other special occasions so no I don’t think you’d be at fault for not buying him presents BUT ngl I feel like there’s also a chance this will backfire and instead of him buying you a gift y’all just won’t give each other presents anymore.
With that in mind I think it’s best to explicitly explain that this is something that’s bothering you and making you feel excluded and not appreciated etc. and then based on how he reacts you can decide how to move. Good Luck OP!
lightninghazard said:
NTA- it’s not about gifts, it’s about the lack of thoughtfulness towards you and laziness. It sounds like he’s grown very complacent in the relationship and needs a wake up call.
Getting your partner a Christmas gift is like a bare minimum level of effort in a relationship (provided both parties celebrate, have the means, and haven’t mutually decided that they’re not going to do a gift exchange). If his not getting gifts this time after all your years of effort is what gets the message across, so be it.
And [deleted] said:
NTA. People always talk about how giving is more important than receiving, but having it be one sided over LONG periods of time with someone you love is exhausting and feels shitty. You have a right to feel this way and it’s not petty. Gifts is a love language and it seems to be yours – if he doesn’t reciprocate the effort, you can stop too.
Months later, she shared this update:
So, this year after the post I decided to try something new. I planned a day and I told him and my kids we were all going to the mall and each had a budget to buy each other christmas gifts.
I paired my husband up with my daughter and told her the things I wanted, and the two of them had to buy for me and my son who were paired up. I obviously didn’t get him anything that day because I already got his gifts, and just got for her. However, they both got presents for my son and I and I actually had almost as many presents as he did which was amazing!
They got me 3 christmas sweaters for some reason, a few shirts, a weighted blanket, a coffee cup and some nail polish (apparently my daughter ignored the list I gave her lol) but I was actually so happy.
It was the first year in so long I had anything to open, and what was best was he was actually excited to give me the presents that morning and seemed really sad when I ran out and everyone else still had a few. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this before, probably because the kids were too young to reasonably consider what others might like, but it definitely worked like a charm and I had so much fun!
A year later, she shared this second update:
This past year I did something similar. I sat down with my husband and showed him my Amazon Christmas Wish List and gave him ideas, then told him 2 weeks in advance him and I only will be going Christmas shopping to buy for each other on X date and that I had arranged a sitter for the kids.
We went to the mall and split up, then met back up after lunch , ate, and then came home – each putting the others gifts in separate sections if our vehicle so there was no peaking. When we got home we separated and wrapped and weeks before Christmas I had a full stocking and a dozen gifts under the tree and when I opened them many were things I asked for and others were thoughtful and spontaneous.
He loves watching me open his gifts and I think it was genuinely an issue of poor planning, and time management all these years. I wish he took the initiative to do it all himself of course, but if every year I have to plan a shopping date for us it really isn’t a big deal and I had fun, so its a win for me. Thats all and I am hopeful that this year we will be able to keep this going!
