“AITA for refusing to go to my boyfriend’s grandfather’s funeral?”

I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend “Tod” (20M) for about a year and a half. Things have been mostly okay, with a few issues I won’t get into here. A few days ago, Tod’s grandfather passed away.They were extremely close, and I’ve been trying to support him however he needs. He hasn’t wanted to see me much, which I completely understand, he’s grieving, and I respect that.

Last night he asked me to go with him to the funeral. I told him I couldn’t, and that funerals are something I genuinely cannot handle. I didn’t say no lightly, I have a long history with loss.My dad died when I was seven. He was the parent I did everything with, and his death was traumatic. My mom didn’t tell my brother and me until a week later, and we weren’t allowed to go to the funeral. That shaped me in a way I’ve never fully shaken.

A few years later, when my mom’s aunt passed away, she gave us the choice to attend. I told her, “If I couldn’t go to my dad’s funeral, I’m not going to any funerals in my lifetime. Not even my own.” And I’ve stuck to that.When my step‑grandma died, I didn’t go. When my great grandmother died, I didn’t go. When my grandma, who was basically a second parent to me, passed away when I was 15, I still didn’t go. I don’t regret that choice. It would’ve hurt more to attend hers when I never got the chance to say goodbye to my dad.

So when Tod asked, I explained all of this. He already knows about the losses in my life. But when I told him I couldn’t go, he got really upset. He told me my thinking was “childish,” that it’s been almost 14 years and I should be “over it” by now, and that I was being selfish for not going. He raised his voice at me and said I needed to grow up.

I offered to go to the celebration of life afterward so he wouldn’t be alone, and reminded him he has a huge family who will be with him at the funeral itself. But he still yelled at me.

We haven’t talked today, and I’m honestly confused. I know he’s grieving, and I know grief makes people react in ways they normally wouldn’t. But I also don’t know if I’m the AH here, or if it’s okay for him to yell at me and call me selfish because he’s hurting. So… am I the AH?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Mushrooms24711

So… you refuse to go to funerals because your mom wouldn’t let you go to your dad’s funeral when you were 7? And you’re confused why your BF is upset about you refusing to go to his grandpa’s funeral? You’re not 7 anymore. And you’re a bad partner. YTA.

CryptographerWide80

It seems to me you’re avoiding funerals because of anger at your mom, maybe mixed together with a bit of guilt that you don’t want others to get better “funeral attendance” privileges than your dad.

The problem is, this funeral is not about either of those things. It’s about supporting someone you love through THEIR loss. Putting your own issues on them in this is putting yourself at the centre of this situation where you should not be, and is selfish. YTA. And maybe talk to someone about your anger at your mom for not being allowed to go to your dad’s funeral.

jjrobinson73

YTA. You do need to grow up. Sorrow happens in life, you were 7, you couldn’t control it. Instead of punishing your Mom, you’re punishing yourself. You also don’t know what your Dad requested before he died.

Maybe he and your Mom both agreed to not have kids there. But, the fact remains, you have missed out on telling important people in your life goodbye. You’re 20. In about 30 years people who you thought would never die will start dying, and then you are going to regret not saying goodbye to people. Go see a therapist, and take your mom to a session.

OK_LK

Look, you’re allowed to make these decisions for yourself. But it seems like you made a decision to never go to a funeral to spite your mom. You know how close your bf was to his grandfather and that he needs your support.

For you to maintain your stance because… I don’t really know why, shows that you aren’t as concerned about your bf as he thought you were. You have every right not to go and he has every right to view your relationship differently if that happens. I think YTA because your reason doesn’t make sense all these years later and hurts the one you’re meant to love the most.

Coxal_anomaly

Gently, YTA. No amount of not going to funerals will give you back the opportunity to say a proper goodbye to your dad. And missing out on saying goodbye to others or supporting loved ones when they need to is just dumb.

It’s on you to do something to move past this grief, explore it, deal with it. You should seek a grief counselor, and perhaps find a ritual or a way to say goodbye to your dad in a renewed way.

stephenelias1970

YTA. You’re 20, and it’s time to grow up. You’re in a relationship with someone for a year and a half, and he asked you to be there for him. Think about that…”he has a huge family” but he asked you to be there for him. Life is not all sunshine and rainbows, and there’s things you don’t want to do, but sometimes you just do it for the people you love. Period.

JustBecauseOfThat

YTA. You are punishing your boyfriend for what your mother did. Seriously, who are you doing this for? Do you think it somehow makes your father happy that you refuse to go to anyone else’s funeral? Obviously not. You need to start going.

This is not going to be the last time you hurt someone due to your own made-up rule. No one likes funerals, we go to them anyway to support friends and family. Sorry that you didn’t get to say goodbye to your father the way you wanted, now make sure you don’t cause the same for others.

“AITA for refusing to go to my boyfriend’s grandfather’s funeral?”