“AITA for telling my family that I forgive them and then going back to ignoring them?”
I’m not rich. I don’t have an influential job. I am a regular guy with a regular life. About ten years ago I had a falling out with my family. They took money that should have gone to me and spent it on my brother.
He needed a lawyer and my money from my grandfather’s estate was just sitting in a regular account. The will was kind of crappy and said the money should be distributed by need. So my need for a little stability was superceded by my brother’s need for a lawyer for his third DUI.
Whatever. It wasn’t a huge amount of money. Just ten thousand dollars. But it would have helped me build a buffer. I said that what they were doing was bullshit. I went to a lawyer and for $300 he told me that it would cost me more to get that money than I would eventually get.
So I said screw it and moved on. Once again not rich, average job. But ten years of plugging away with few distractions helped me build up a little nest egg. I did start ignoring my family drama though. I still showed up for some holidays but that’s it.Then my brother used my parents car because his had a built in breathalyzer. He hit another car, no one was seriously injured thank god, and he didn’t want to get caught so he did a hit and run. Long story short he needs a lawyer. But our parents decided not to tell the cops he took the car without permission.
So insurance won’t cover anything. If they admitted he stole it then he would face consequences but they would get their car fixed or replaced and the people in the other car wouldn’t be suing them for medical bills and stuff. My parents reached out to me for help. I said no. They said that ten years is a long time to hold a grudge and that I need to forgive them.
So I said that I completely forgave them for taking money that should have been mine and wasting it on him. I forgave them completely and wholeheartedly for always picking him over me. I said I forgave them for making sure I had to struggle to keep him from having to. I then told them they couldn’t have any money and that they were probably messed up financially.
They were most likely going to lose their home and whatever they had saved for their retirement. I don’t know if they can change their minds and admit my brother is a thief. I don’t know anything about lawyers or cops or anything. I just don’t think I owe them crap beyond the same sort of apology they gave me when they stole my money.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Possible-Owl8957 wrote:
NTA. Your brother is an unrepentant drunk and your parents are enabling him. Stand firm and give them no money.
OP responded:
I’m not giving them a cent. They wanted me to forgive them and they got that. I thought it was pretty generous.
Lay-ZFair wrote:
I think in most places hit and run is a felony and I believe aiding and abetting is frowned upon as well. Turn them all in and you’ll get him off of the road with no more DUIs and a safer environment for other people as well as a hopefully nice long recuperation time for him behind bars. Also forgive doesn’t mean forget. Almost forgot, NTA but the rest of your family…
OP responded:
He’s being charged with that I believe. I don’t know all the details but he is on deep shit. A lawyer won’t help much.
Mirabai503 wrote:
What excuse are your parents going to use when your brother k***s someone?
OP responded:
Don’t know don’t care. I’m out.
Adelucas wrote:
Even now the golden child doesn’t have to pay for his actions, your parents pay for them and expect everyone else to as well. They created the monster, they can pay for it. It’s not on you to ruin everything you’ve saved up for to (again) bail your brother out of trouble.
If they’d been less coddling and made him face consequences earlier in life they wouldn’t be where they are now. He’s going to jail anyway, so let him. They are the classic setting themselves on fire to keep someone warm.
OP responded:
He’s not the golden child. He is the family disappointment. They just baby him.
Baudica wrote:
Forgiving does not mean letting them do the same behavior over and over again. Your parents have enabled your brother, yet again. In a way, they are just as much responsible for what happened as he is.
Because a fool can see that your brother is not fit to drive a car, if he can’t kick his alcoholism. And yeah…alcoholism. If you can’t stop drinking, to be able to drive, you have a serious problem, no matter the frequency of the drinking.
Your parents do have a choice. If they can stop enabling him, they get their car replaced, and they get to keep their house and savings. Your brother will face the consequences of his actions, and perhaps, this time it will finally get through to him how much he fucked up. (Unlikely. But having mommy and daddy sweeping it under the rug is a sure way to not come to terms with it)
This time, it’s medical costs. Do your parents realize that the next time (and there’s bound to be a next time), their son might not live to face any consequences? And whatever innocent life he might take with him, is also on them, for keeping this drunk on the road as a danger to anyone with the misfortune of crossing his path.
NTA. If I were you, I’d go to their local police station and give a statement, anyway. You know that they’re enabling your brother’s drunk driving, so in a way, not speaking out is enabling their enabling, and your brother.AzDarkKnight wrote:
NTA. If they refuse to tell the truth then the consequences are on them. Your brother should be in jail, he was obviously under the influence which is why he stole their car. They need to wake up and stop enabling his behavior. Also if its found out that they made false statements they might find themselves in much worse trouble.
Ps_is_BS wrote:
If they had let him suffer consequences of his actions 10 years ago, they probably wouldn’t be dealing with this now. Your brother’s what they made him. Years of enabling his terrible behavior and the chickens have come to roost for them all. NTA. They brought this on themselves. Hopefully they’ll cut him off. Not your problem either way.
